I have had my journal open before me for the last half hour—but commence I could not, for thinking I cannot even understand myself, and those who profess to know me—are decidedly mistaken—I don’t blame any one, for not loving me—I only wonder that any can—Think, think, think—surely I have thought enough of late—Sometimes I have such gross thoughts, and feelings—thoughts and feelings which I cannot define—I strive against them, & will not allow myself to think—for I believe by encouraging them, I could become as grand, as I once was gay, I throw them off entirely at times, & feel as happy, and gay as ever—I know I care very little for company, to what I once did—I long love to see those I love, and like very much—but for the last few nights, we have been going to party after party, and I cannot say, I have spent a delightful evening, at any—felt rather indifferent about myself, and everyone else—but I must not give up to my feelings, and I will hasten on with other things—back to Sunday—Went to Church in the morning—in the evening slept from two ‘til nearly 7, or ½ 6—Monday I rode down with the children and Mollie and I went down town, a little while—I then came home—At night went to a party at Cousin Sallie Hoggs—I spent rather a pleasant evening—Tuesday did not feel well—at night went to Cousin Lucy Bryans to a “tea party” I did not enjoy it at all, thought I would go to sleep—came home, and wrote to Jennie Jones, asking her to go to commencement, hope she can send it, but I nearly went to sleep over it—Wednesday morning, Mother and I went shopping and were Caught in the rain—In the evening we had quite a storm— but we all went to a party given to Coz & Cousin John, at Judge Badger's—Mr Badham went with me—we got home about ½ 3 I guess—spent rather a pleasant evening—don’t know why none of the Chapel Hillians did not come down—I received a note from Mr Saunders this morning, in which he said Mr Jimmie Wright was to come down to it, the next day—wonder what kept him—Mr Saunders told me such a story at our party—I did not believe him at the time—but cannot think why he would wish to play as joke off on me—I would thank him, not to say it again soon, he did not succeed, so well in this, I should think, to tempt to try again—the reason he gave in his letter was, as he had been badly fooled, he cared little who he could serve in the same way—good, splendid excuse that! I am sorry to find he can amuse himself in no better way than fooling and quizzing his friends—but enough of that—I would like for him to send my daguerreotype to me, don’t like his keeping it at all—wrote three lines, & would have sent some postage stamps to him, to send it home—but concluded it was best not to do it—Oh! I would like so much to know who said that—about me—I must find out, but I fear I will not be able—I think it is wrong, not to tell me—for I may have feelings of friendship for him, and look upon him now, as a friend, when that is his opinion of me, and expressed, as it was—I do so wish I did know—I would let him know pretty soon, that my opinion of him was not too good—This morning I woke feeling badly, so went to sleep, and did not get up ‘til nearly one—after dinner, went to sleep again, & did not get up ‘til nearly dark—so feel little like sleeping to-night—Mr Tucker was up here for an hour or so to-night, to say goodbye to Cousin John and Cousin as they expect, to start in the morning—such a short visit, they have made us, I don’t feel as if they had been at all—good night, as I wish to be up in time tomorrow to see them off—I will go to bed, to rest and think, if not to sleep—