Here I am quietly seated by my east window, feeling any other way, but well—I have felt mad all day, and what at I cannot say—I have been first at one thing, and then another all day trying to help from thinking so much, I find it will not do—so put work and all aside, & have taken up my journal—Wednesday morning I rose early, and went down down to do a little shopping felt badly all day—Cousin Martha Haywood was here nearly all day, and Mr Tucker took dinner and spent two or three hours—I was quite busy all the day—I put off dressing so late that a good many came before I got down—good many here—the evening passed of pleasantly—I cannot say I had a delightful time—but I surely spent a very pleasant evening, more so than I expected—for I felt dull all day—broke up about three, or ½ 2—Ten Chapel Hillians, Messrs W.L. Saunders—John Grimes, Jimmie Wright, Col Jones—Pax Watters—D. Hinton—W Badham—G. Pillow—Cousin Jesse H. Nicholson, that is all I can remember, and I think it was all—Messrs Engelhard and Joe Wright could not attend—I was sorry—(sickness in one, and a sore hand in the other—) The last part of the evening I heard something which I could not think was so—but it made me feel sad for fear it might be—Thursday I slept ‘til 2 or ½, & about ½ 4, Messrs Jimmie Wright, John Grimes, and Col Jones called—at night I did not feel like going to sleep, so wrote a long letter, and when, I did go to bed found it impossible to sleep, so about four o’clock I went in Grandmama’s room, and slept ‘til morning—Friday morning I have forgotten all about—in fact I am not thinking what I am about, and don’t care much for any thing—O! Yes, it rained all the morning, in the evening Messrs Hinton, Badham, & Bunn, called, then Messrs Pomroy, John Bryan Jr, and W. Anderson—after they all left, Coz and Cousin John, went down to spend the night at Aunt Haywood’s, I rode down just for the ride—saw Mollie, who called me—she came home with me and spent the night—we did not get to sleep til one, I expect—she left this morning—I rode down with her, found Coz & Cousin John at Judge Badgers, and Sallie Ivey writing invitations as they give them, a party Wednesday night—only four Chapel Hillians invited—Messrs Jimmie Wright, Joe Engelhard, Joe Wright and John Grimes—Cousin Sallie Hogg gives a party Monday night, to Coz & Cousin John, I don’t want to go, but know, I will have to—Cousin Lucy Bryan gives a tea party Tuesday—we are going to-night to a soiree, at St Marys, given to Coz and Cousin John—I hate it, I know how much better I would like to stay at home—I know I will not enjoy it—but it is getting late, and we will have to go soon—I feel so little like going, I dread to commence—I sent Messrs Joe Wright & Engelhard some cake by Mr Grimes, and “Magazine,” some candy—I received a short letter from Annie Grimes Wednesday night, I declare I must begin to pay up, for I owe some nim or tea—I go to the Soiree with Mr Tucker—

At Night

Just like me, I might have known it, I never go any where, but that I find so many things said, & done, that I had better left unsaid, and undone. That I nearly hate myself, and wish I never had to go any where, or see any one—O! Me I wish I could have a good day, I have felt like it all day, and, far more now—How I wish this night or the events could be blotted from Memory’s tablet—but I know they will remain, remain, and cause me to change in some things. What a world we live in—would I could go on without knowing more of its dark side, alas! That I know this last lesson ‘tis indeed sad and bad to know those we trusted and looked upon as friends, should prove such—I will know who it was, I suspect one strongly, but if I am wrong (which I hope I am) it will grieve me to think of it—but I fear tis the one I think—such is friendship—It was more surely than a friend would say, I cannot bear him, and I know my actions will take it the next time I see him—That is his opinion of me, and to be expressed before a gentleman—I thank him, and congratulate him upon his foresight, and power at reading the heart, I think he needs a few more lessons taught by experiences before he is perfect in the act—but I will not say anything more about it until, I am sure, as to the person, and then how he will sink in my opinion, and friendship—I heard something else which astonishes me, and I don’t know how to believe it—O! Me I wish I was O! Me! Me!—

I firmly believe some one told me a down right story the other night, to try and find out something, well I am sure he failed most decidedly—if I find that true, I can never respect him—in the least again—Dear me here it is a good nay in Sunday, I must stop, although this has been a long week—oh! Me I believe I am crazy, I know I care very little for any thing—but I intended to say—although this has been a very gay week—it has been a long one to me—I wish I could—O! Never mind it will do no good wishing—or any thing else—I did not enjoy the evening I knew I would not—just as I expected only more, as I heard, one or two things—and said many more—that I am sorry for—I hope at least, I may enjoy the remainder of the night in pleasant dreams—